I'm losing it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm constantly feeling alone and forgotten. I feel as if i've lost all my friends. As if i've lost any and everything that matters. I have nothing to look forward to. No friends. No school. no job. Nothing. Everyday is the same thing. I wake up and I watch something or I sleep more and I eat my life away. I'm so disgusted and depressed with my life. My anxiety is sky rocketing as I type. I want to vomit from how tight my chest is and I want to cry my eyes out just thinking about everything. I don't know what to do. I have nothing to look forward to, and i'm losing all motivation to live. I'm not saying i'm going to kill myself, but what's the point of me being here? What am I doing here? Why am I here? I bring nothing better to the world every day. The only thing i'm good for is eating. I'm so disgusted with my life. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep and never wake up. But then I want to LIVE and go out and have fun and be free and enjoy my life. I miss hanging out and having fun and not worrying about anything. I don't remember how to relax. I don't remember how to TRULY be happy. At this moment, I just want to be high. I want to smoke so bad. My anxiety will go away. I'll have some clarity. I'll be able to sleep. I'll relax. I know it isn't the true solution for anything, but I would love some temporary bliss right now. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I can't keep living like this. I can't keep feeling like this.....

I really do wish I could shut my brain off sometimes. I know I say that a lot, but I truly mean it. My mind is CONSTANTLY running. My thoughts never seem to cease. And with everything that’s going on lately, it’s worse. My anxiety for life is higher and i’m stressed beyond belief and to the point of tears. I wish it could all just go away, but that wouldn’t be life would it? I feel like I can’t breath sometimes. I don’t know what to do. I seriously, honestly DON’T know how to relax. People always tell me to relax when i’m stressed, but I don’t know how anymore. There’s so many different things bugging me and completely stressing me out, and it’s hard to talk about it. Not even my best friend(s) know about the stuff that’s bothering. I wish I could talk about it, but when I try, my mind goes fuzzy and crazy, and it’s PHYSICALLY feels like something is holding me back to talk about it, and i’m at a loss for words.

I feel like crap all the time, i’m extremely moody, and my anxiety is always there. I get even more headaches than I already did before. Plus my lack of sleep makes it even worse. I need a release, but I don’t know from what. I feel like I have no control of anything. And I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Am I having an identity crisis? I don’t know. I just know I feel so frustrated, anxious, and lost overall about everything.

And I know other people in other countries, and even the US have it worse than me, and I should appreciate what I have and my freedom. But honestly, right now, this is MY life, and how i’m feeling sucks A LOT. And I hate it.

I feel incredibly alone most of the time. And I don’t know WHO to trust anymore. Words only mean so much when the people who are telling you things don’t genuinely mean it. You can say you’re there for someone, but your words can only go so far. You have to also mean it and prove it, which is what is lacking in my life. It can’t just be me trying. It goes both ways.

There’s just too much plaguing my mind. I try to figure out something to do, but that just makes me more flustered and frustrated. Then I start to wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Like do I have some mental disease that is making me like this? Or is it just me  and my mind playing tricks on me, and making me believe things that aren’t there? I don’t know how to help myself, so how would anyone else know how to help me?

Ugh. I just don’t know anymore. At all. About anything. And I feel like i’m rambling through this whole post. Oh well. It’s not like anyone is actually going to read this and care. Or know what to do to help me.

I do believe I am losing my mind.

Well. I guess i'm happy for you. Because you're happy. So very happy with this girl. This girl you're falling in love with. This girl that if she breaks your heart, I will hate forever. I happy you're happy, but i'm also sad because no matter who i'm with, I will always have feelings for you, and I will always want to have that second chance. Because she gets to be the girl I wanted to be. She gets to do the things I wanted to do with you. She gets to be what I wanted to be. And I won't lie, that makes me a little jealous inside. I'm also jealous because all feelings aside, you're still my best friend, and she's taking you away from me. And I hate that, cause you'd honestly don't care that you've left me, your "best friend",for her. I guess what i'm basically trying to say is that i'm jealous i'm not the most important girl in your life anymore and that I can't just forget about you, like you've forgotten about me. It bugs me so much, EVERY day. And there's nothing I can do about it... But i'm glad you're happy, no matter how sad it makes me. Always & Forever.

you've gone from being one of the most important & closest people in my life, to being someone I only see & talk to a total of about 30 minutes a WEEK. and nothing is going to change, which crushes me even more. And all I wanna do is cry. I wanna cry so fucking hard over you, and all the bother i've lost because of this year. Because the final crushing detail, is that you/no one even cares or notices :[

So today was pretty much BOMB. No matter how awkward I felt at moments, it was FUN. I still wish I felt more comfortable and secure with a lot of people when things like that happen, but I guess all I can do is grin & bare it. And just make the best of it! I'm so extremely tired of feeling lonely and sad. So my new mindset/outlook is just positive, Positive, POSITIVE! No more negative shit, cause that really does bring people, including myself, down. Especially me. So here's to a GOOD year. No, here's to the BEST year. <3

There is something wrong with me. I feel emotions WAY too much,  too strong. No one ever seems to feel how I feel, when it comes to emotions. I'm always the one most hurt or upset. I feel SO MUCH for everyone all the time. Is there something wrong with me? Honestly? ;/

i'm so disgusted with my body, mainly my stomach. I'm disgusted with myself every time I eat. I hate my body for being this way. And I hate myself not having to heart or determination or motivation to do something about it. And I hate that I eat when i'm bored or upset, which is how I am most of the time. I hate it, hate it, HATE IT. I sound like a typical teenage girl right now, but that's just the truth :/

you are so damn spoiled, it makes me sick. i wanna punch you sometimes, how spoiled you are. whatever. that's who YOU are

I miss him more and more each day. I'm truly amazed with the situation, the boy, and myself. I've never ever been lucky with guys. I was that girl that was just always there. I'm not the skinniest or prettiest girl around. And I don't hook up with guys. For me, it seemed like all the guys wanted my friends, not me. And that would make me so sad, and feel so alone. Then he came into my life. We'd always been friends, but just that. Then we just started talking one day. And i'm so glad we did. He's so amazing and sweet and kind and just everything I could ask for. My heart was so cautious to someone new. But he showed interest in me, and I wanted to give him a chance. And i'm so glad I said yes. And now i'm falling so fast. We've only been together for a month, but i'm falling in deep. I haven't felt this way in a LONG time. I can't even describes how he truly makes me feel! And all these love songs just make me feel so sappy and lite. I'm so happy, and I love this feeling. <3

Not for the reasons of every other girl around me is, or peer pressure, or media. I want to be thin and pretty because I think I would be happier that way. I'd love myself more. I wouldn't be so self conscious. I'd be more comfortable in my clothes. I wouldn't feel like disgusting lard all the time. i would just be happier. Plus, I look at the thin & pretty girls and their pictures on facebook/myspace, and they always look like their life is amazing and so much fun. Not to mention they look cute/gorgeous. I'd like to be able to look at my pictures, with my friends, and think the same thing. Sigh. I hate my insecurities. :|